Amidst Life and Death
by paradox1
Summary: Kenshin reflects on life, telling the story of how everything he ever loved was lost. Pure angst. K&K and a small hint of S&M.


Amidst Life and Death  
  
Warning note: If you don't like angst or can't handle it, then you probably shouldn't read this. If you read it anyway, don't say I didn't warn you. ^^  
  
Author's notes: This is my first serious attempt at a fanfic and I would really appreciate some R&R. My idea surfaced after listening to too much music from the Kenshin OVAs, particularly the sad songs. This is pure angst; meaning there's no comedy or happiness. If you're in a joyful mood and don't want it tarnished, then I suggest that you don't read this. Thanks and enjoy!  
  
  
  
I never understood the meaning of "fate" or "destiny" or why they simply brought so much pain upon certain people. Day after day of the new era, I watched as everyone pranced around gleefully with not a care in the world. Sometimes I used to wish for their happiness, but I gave up on such wishful thinking after the second time it happened; the second time it all came down upon me.  
  
Now it's just envy I feel towards them; pure envy that consumes my soul every waking minute. It wasn't always like this though; I had a brief moment of peace at one time. No, there were two points in my life when I foolishly thought that nothing could go wrong. But like everything good I've ever had in my pathetic lifetime, it was all ripped away from me, not once, but twice. Why did I let it happen a second time?  
  
It replayed itself exactly like the first time on that cloudy melancholic day. The day my life took it's final leap off the edge was practically identical to the previous stripping of my soul. As she fell to the ground and I swept her into my arms, I could do nothing but cry. I played the part of the tormented lover and wept until I got the impression that I could weep no more and then did so unselfconsciously. All was tainted scarlet; our clothes, our hands and the soil we lied upon. Not only that, but my heart and my sanity had been tarnished by it all. Above the whisper of the raindrops, not single word could be heard as I gazed down upon her blood soaked form. I made an effort to speak to her in a hoarse voice, but nothing came out aside from large sobs and choked coughs. I muttered her name into the grey of the storm, not expecting her to answer me, "Kaoru..." My shoulders shook violently and I gasped for air, desperately needing to fill my lungs with oxygen so I could continue wallowing in self-pity and depression. Her half-lidded eyes gazed up at me worriedly as if she wasn't even aware of her passing, but only aware of my sorrow. A gentle hand reached up shakily to brush a tear from my eye then and her pretty pink lips were forced into a thin smile. It was silent for a moment as I sat with her head resting on my lap, cupping the chilled hand on my cheek with my own and admiring her beauty.  
  
No words were needed at that moment and I watched helplessly as all color drained from her face and from her once sapphire blue eyes. They had faded considerably into a stone-washed grey and her soft peach skin was one of pale white snow. She continued to smile at me as long as she could and then she writhed in pain, her eyes closing tightly and her breathing so ragged and harsh that not even the rain could drown it out. I felt myself slipping away with her and begged to be taken in her place. With what had to be her last remaining strength, she lifted herself with my help and wrapped her arms around my neck, burying her head into the crook of my neck. I can still feel that cold today, that cold which her body held. My arms wrapped around her frame quickly as if holding onto her would keep her alive and what were simply tears evolved into hysterical wailing. As we sat there crying, I cursed at myself. I cursed the world, the Gods, the Demons and anything else I could blame.  
  
"Kenshin..." She finally spoke up and a sudden tinge of hope lit in me. Maybe she could live. Maybe it wasn't her time yet... But deep down I knew it was the end and these were her final words to me. "We'll... g-go back to Tokyo, ne?" Kaoru asked almost pleadingly.  
  
My heart sank. She wanted to return to Tokyo, but I had kept her here in Kyoto for my own selfish needs. 'Just one more day, please, Kaoru-dono.' I had said to her the previous day. 'I promised Misao-dono that we would take that tour we missed last time we were here.' And she just flashed that smile of hers and assured me that she understood.  
  
"Ken... shin? Ne?" Her voice was frantic but quiet as she lifted her head to look at me.  
  
"H-Hai..." I replied after snapping out of my daze, even though I didn't know how I would do it; I knew I had to take her back to Tokyo no matter what.  
  
She muttered a sincere, "Arigatou..." And then dropped her head back onto my shoulder where I ran my fingers through her silky dark hair.  
  
The tears still hadn't ceased and the knot in my stomach grew as I heard her intake a sharp breath. "Kaoru?"  
  
"A-Aishiteru... Aishiteru, Ken...shin..." And that was the end... Her whole body fell limp, her left arm falling from its place around my neck and the hissing of her struggled breathing discontinued.  
  
Not only did she pass way then, but so did I. I'm nothing anymore, nothing but a walking corpse with no heart and no soul.  
  
At first, I couldn't accept it all. 'She's not dead.' I told myself over and over again convincingly, but it was to no avail. Our days of happiness were gone and so were our days of life. My tears didn't stop though and they never will. As I walked through the path of darkness back to Tokyo, her dead body in my arms, they still fell from my eyes. The genuine anguish that I felt destroyed me and I killed for the first time in eleven years that night. It was revenge for my love, for Kaoru. After she was announced deceased, I couldn't control the rage in me and killed the man who I deemed responsible for her death. But the truth is, I did it. I'm the one responsible for her death and I can't live with it any longer.  
  
First, it was Tomoe. I killed her with my own sword, killing the first half of my soul in the process, and then became a rurouni because of the sins I could never atone for. Then while making up for my wrongs, I met a new woman. Kaoru was such a strong person, always there for me and tending to me. And I killed her too. Once again my blind will to survive killed the one I treasured most. I swear I didn't see either of them standing there. But no matter what the situation was, the fact is that I stabbed them. They came down because of my blade.  
  
The least I could do for her was return her to her town and I walked all the miles while straining my arms to hold her. As soon as I approached the dojo, I felt more death. I smelled the blood of more people in the house and stumbled up the steps and into the first room. My senses hadn't failed me despite my state of weakness and if there had been any remains of a heart in my body, it probably would have ached again at the sight of the massacre.  
  
"Sano... Megumi..." I said each of their names outloud as I gazed at their stained and ravaged bodies. There was little to no moisture left in my body, for it had already sprang out from my eyes on the way back, and I couldn't shed a single tear no matter how much I wanted to. Taking a mere step into the spilled blood drenching the floor was a difficult task, but I managed to do it after little hesitation.  
  
My legs led me to Kaoru's room and I lied her upon her bed, pulling the blanket over her and placing a tender kiss on her forehead. "I love you too." I whispered and then retreated back to the others.  
  
Burying their bodies was a must, since I knew that I had to give my greatest friends a proper burial. I placed Megumi and Sanosuke next to each other in the rain soaked dirt, feeling it appropriate since they had died in eachother's arms. It was a gruesome sight to come home to and burying all of them absorbed the last bit of emotion I had left in my body. The hardest part was trying to place the midnight-haired beauty into the earth. I held her in my arms once again, not wanting to let go. Her body was at least a day old and might have smelled unpleasant, but if it did, I didn't notice. I didn't want to acknowledge her death still and placing her into her grave would be the final goodbye. There was no way that I could bring myself to do it and I ended up proceeding back to the house and placing her back into her bed.  
  
Days passed and I didn't eat a single thing or sleep a single moment. All I did was sit against the wall of Kaoru's bedroom, gazing at her with empty eyes that begged to see her smile once more. My mind was blank of everything but death. I contemplated ways to kill myself, any way to escape the pain would have been ok with me, but I couldn't bring myself to act out anything that came to mind.  
  
Now I just sit here in that same state awaiting death. Soon starvation or the ones who murdered my friends will come to take me. And if they don't, I'll take myself. I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to endure this suffering any longer. I'm not alive, but I'm not dead. I'm trapped in some torture chamber in between now, amidst life and death.  
  
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End note: So, what'd you think? I told you it was going to be pure angst. ^^ I even placed a warning at the top, so don't kill me. XD 


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